My So Called Addiction

I wish my unhealthy "junk food eating self" could talk to my "healthy eating, bout to fall off the wagon, lazy self" and tell her what utter and complete crap she's going to feel like when she's finished having that 2nd slice of pizza that she's about to wash down with that 20 oz. Mountain Dew.  Sure, it tastes pretty good at the moment.  Especially that caffeinated beverage you've been thinking about all day long.  You don't need it...it doesn't quench your thirst.  It doesn't make you feel hydrated, but you want it anyway.  So, you drink it.  You eat your salty food, and drink your sweet drink...and when your done...you're officially off the wagon.

I'm not sure if it's the same for alcoholics or drug addicts.  I know their addictions are much more serious than mine.  I don't mean to belittle their struggles by any means.  What they endure on a daily basis, is no where near the struggle that I feel each day.  But mine is still a struggle.  I feel it from the time I wake up, until I go to sleep.  It's an urge that I can not ignore.  It isn't a hunger, but more of an impulse.  An overwhelming need...to eat...something....

When I'm sad...nervous...anxious....happy...irritated...I eat.  I'm not sure where the impulse comes from.  I wasn't abused as a child.  I have never been through a traumatizing event that has caused me to feel like I can't control anything except my food and weight.  (If I could control it, I assure you, I would.)  I have family members and loved ones who have had addictions.  I watched what it did to them...the health problems that it caused them.  And I swore to myself I could never be dependent on a drug.  I never smoked.  Not even once.  I have never been drunk.  I tried alcohol one time and hated the smell and taste.  I've never tried any drugs.

But food, is my own addiction.  And just like all of my family members, and loved ones....it's affecting my health.  It affects my life.  It keeps me from doing things I want to do either physically or mentally.  Physically, when I see a task that looks too hard, I just don't try.  Mentally, I feel very self conscious, and so lots of times, I won't try something for fear of making a fool of myself.  Either way, I've allowed my addiction to stop me from enjoying my life.  It is affecting my health in a negative way.  It is catching up with me.  I know I am poisoning myself...slowly...with food.

I've tried over and over to break the addiction....the cycle.  I'll do good for a while and then something will happen.  And I will get side tracked.  Before I know it, I'm back to square one, and even more discouraged than before.  How frustrating.

And so, today, I'm about to start again.  I know it is in me to change my behavior.  To break the chains that drag me down.  To hush to voices that tell me I can't...I have the control.  I don't need that pizza.  I don't need that soda.  I will not starve....I will not die.

If there was anything my "Junk food self" could say to my "on the verge of giving up self", I think it would be this...
"I feel like crap today.  That food didn't make me feel any better that I felt before.  Except now I feel a little worse because I caved.  Don't feed me that junk.  Let's be proud today"